Most of the trouble I’ve ever gotten into — professionally or personally — has happened because I spoke about five seconds too early. Leadership communication skills aren’t about what you say. They’re about what happens in the five seconds before you speak.
Not maliciously. Not intentionally. Just… quickly. Faster than my brain could catch up.
A few years ago, someone said something to me that I still think about:
“I tend to say too much. So before I speak, I try to ask myself three questions.”
And they shared them:
Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
They weren’t preaching. They weren’t giving advice. They were just being honest about something they struggled with. And I remember thinking, Well… that sounds familiar.
The Ancient Wisdom Behind the Three Questions
I later learned this idea has been around for centuries — sometimes called the “three gates” of speech. It shows up in Buddhist teachings, Sufi traditions, and various wisdom practices across cultures. Some people expand it into the THINK acronym: True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, Kind.
But the origin doesn’t really matter.
What matters is that these questions work — not because they’re ancient, but because they address something fundamentally human: our tendency to speak before we think. For those of us in leadership roles, these three questions have become the foundation of effective communication skills — reminding me daily to pause before reacting.
Because I could relate. Deeply.
I don’t naturally pause before I speak. I don’t naturally slow down. And I definitely don’t always choose the most graceful version of a sentence.
Anyone who has worked with me knows this.
My Appalachian wiring is built for straight talk and forward motion, not quiet reflection. But those three questions stuck with me. So much so that I copied them down and stuck them everywhere — on my monitor, on my iPad, as my phone background. If it’s a flat surface, it probably had a sticky note on it at some point.
And here’s the truth: I still fail at this. Often. Sometimes spectacularly.
But when I remember — when I pause those five seconds before reacting — everything goes better.
Here’s why these three questions matter, whether you’re leading a team, talking with a colleague, having a tough conversation at home, or just trying to navigate the world without accidentally stepping on a landmine of your own making.
“Is It True?” — The First Communication Skill Leaders Need
This should be the easy question.
Truth is truth, right?
Not quite.
Our brains are dramatic storytellers, especially when we’re tired or stressed. The stories we create in our heads don’t always match what’s happening in real life.
Someone hesitates before they answer → “They’re upset.”
A colleague looks distracted → “They’re frustrated with me.”
A decision gets made without us → “They don’t value my input.”
It’s amazing how quickly our minds can turn a neutral moment into a Shakespearean tragedy.
When I ask myself “Is this true?”, it forces me to slow the spiral. Separating facts from assumptions helps me respond with clarity instead of reacting to a story I just invented.
And it has saved me from making a fool of myself more times than I care to admit.
“Is It Necessary?” — What Effective Communication Really Means
This is the big one for me.
I grew up around people who didn’t waste words. When my dad said something, you could assume one of two things: he meant it, or the cattle were out. Either way, it mattered.
But in leadership — and honestly, in daily life — we often say things simply to fill silence, ease our own discomfort, or feel like we’re contributing something.
Necessary words are different. They’re intentional. They move something forward. They add clarity instead of clutter.
Unnecessary words? Those are expensive. They drain energy, create confusion, and send people down paths they didn’t need to walk.
“Is this necessary?” has saved me from a hundred small leadership errors and more than a few personal ones too.
The goal isn’t talking less. The goal is talking with purpose.
“Is It Kind?” — The Most Overlooked Leadership Skill
This is my favorite question — and the hardest.
Kindness gets misunderstood. People hear “kind” and think soft or passive.
But kindness, in communication, is precision. Emotional discipline. Choosing not to use your words as weapons, even when you could. Especially when you could.
Kindness looks like:
honesty without humiliation
direction without domination
accountability without aggression
The goal isn’t sugarcoating hard truths. The goal is delivering them responsibly.
I’ve been in rooms where leaders used “I’m just being honest” as a shield for unnecessary harshness. I’ve been the person who thought I was being “clear” when really I was being careless.
This becomes especially critical in conflict situations. Most workplace conflicts escalate not because of the actual disagreement, but because of how people communicate during the disagreement. I learned this lesson years ago during my externship from a rural veterinarian who had a blunt but effective approach to forcing difficult conversations — I wrote about it in The $50 Fix. The short version: the three questions work as a filter before conflict even starts.
Kindness is not weakness. Control is what it actually represents. Stewardship. And it builds workplaces — and relationships — people actually want to stay in.
Why These Communication Skills Matter Everywhere, Not Just at Work
This isn’t a “leadership framework.” A human framework is what it actually is.
The practice applies in meetings, in hallway conversations, in tough feedback, in quick texts, at home, in moments when stress or emotion tries to take the wheel.
But if you’re leading people, these questions become essential leadership communication skills — the difference between building trust and destroying it in five seconds.
Five seconds. Three questions. A different outcome.
The catch?
You have to remember to do it. And that’s the part I still fail at.
But even failing forward counts.
What Happens When You Practice Better Leadership Communication
Here’s what I’ve noticed:
When I remember to pause — even briefly — everything is smoother.
Meetings feel calmer. Conversations feel safer. People bring hard things forward earlier because they trust my response more than my reaction.
This is what strong leadership communication skills look like in practice — not polished speeches or perfect messaging, but the discipline to pause before you speak.
And I become the leader — and the person — I meant to be, not the one my stress tries to turn me into.
Mastery? I don’t have it. Not even close. But I’m trying.
And the days I get it right? They’re better days. For me. And for everyone around me.
A Final Thought on Building Communication Skills That Last
Most of leadership — and most of life — happens in the small moments.
The five seconds before you speak. The breath you take before you reply. The decision to respond intentionally instead of react impulsively.
These are the leadership communication skills that matter most — not what you learned in a workshop, but what you practice in the moment when stress is high and time feels short.
So the next time you’re about to answer, pause for just a moment and ask:
Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
Three questions. Five seconds. A completely different conversation.
Perfection? Not happening. Easy? Definitely not. But it’s worth practicing every single day.
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